Humor Article | The Clownble
The History of Clowns
Find out more about the history of clowns and how the first ever clown came into being
[dropcap1]A[/dropcap1] long, long time ago, around 30 AD, the very first clown to ever exist was spotted washing himself on the banks of the river Jordan.
It was a glorious morn as hundreds gathered to bathe in the tepid waters of the river, when a man suddenly appeared at the top of the bank, the golden sun lighting up the sky behind his well-defined silhouette.
As he flexed his muscles, the clasp on his sliver of parchment fell off, causing him to lose his footing, slide down the muddy bank whilst still standing upright, with his arms waving all over the place, and belly-flop into the mystic waters of the Jordan river with the same veracity as the Titanic launch, whereby he was swept downstream faster than anyone could blink.
His untimely death soon became the stuff of legend, reaching into the hearts of billions as the news of his antics swept the masses —clowning around had truly been born.
Since then, many have written about the man on the banks, but none so more influential than when a bunch of ancient politicians defined for us the true meaning of being a clown, by writing what we now know to be The Clownble.
Below you can find three examples of Clown Commandments which I have translated from the ancient transcripts for you, as they would be very difficult to understand without my intervention.
May they change your life.
1. Always Carry a Balloon
Balloons are your GHDs: essential, make you look good and give you an edge over the rest of humanity.
Acceptable phrases to use in social situations include:
- “The things I could do with a balloon.”
- “Don’t cry about Brexit. Have a balloon dog instead.”
- “If I made you a balloon hammer do you think you could let me away with a fine, officer?”
- “We could always sort this out with a balloon duel to the death because, quite frankly, I really can’t afford a lawyer, and neither can you by the looks of it.”
2. Avoid Trouble
Avoid children’s parties. The children are fine but the parents, eurgh. Leave that one to the armatures. Oh and mime artists. Oh my God, they are awful, I hate mime artists.
Alright, maybe if there’s a children’s party with mime artists then you should go just so you can kill two birds with one stone. Just make sure you bring stink bombs, superglue, clingfilm, you know where the water mains shut off valve is and you have added an “I don’t know what the hell came over me” clause into your insurance policy.
The kids will love it.
3. Summon Your Inner Clown
Everyone has an inner clown which can be summoned — even when they don’t realize it. Your inner clown is a super-power that you can switch on to help you triumph in any given situation — usually without the other person realizing.
Examples of people who successfully summoned their inner clown include:
- Whoever wrote Trump’s inauguration speech.
- Every single person who tells a teenager whose wearing their jeans lower than their bums that they look cool.
- Whoever has been selling us dead horse disguised as beef for the last I don’t know how long…
- Kanye West and his homeless collection.
Daily Florence is a clown extraordinaire who works at Dr Norbert’s Magical Flying Circus.