Equality *Honk Honk*

July 5, 2018 ·

Dr Norbert's Magical Flying Circus
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Humor Article | *Honk Honk*

Equality *Honk Honk*

………………………………..

[dropcap1]A[/dropcap1]fter a tragic fire swept through Mr Norbert’s Magical Flying Circus last year – which I absolutely pretty much know absolutely nothing about- I found myself out of work whilst circus was being rebuilt over the summer.

With only a limited set of clowning skills to my name, of which I crushingly discovered held little to no value in the wider community (apparently puppy juggling didn’t look good on my C.V. after all), I ended up taking the only job I could find.

This is my story….

Me: ‘Doctor, Doctor..’

Doctor: ‘What is it now, Daily?’

Me: ‘Nothing, just thought I’d say hi.’ *waves*

Doctor: ‘Are you seriously wasting NHS time by-‘

Me: ‘Only joking, em, em, so, like, I’ve lost an arm, Doctor. What do I do?’

Doctor: ‘Daily, I can see you’re bloody arm right there. Is that all you came in for?’

Me: ‘Dude, you found it! Next problem, em, em, so, like, I think my dolls are trying to tell me something.’

Doctor: *Sighs* ‘You’re 36, Daily. What dolls?’

Me: *Pulls out ventriloquist doll*

Mr Bugalugs: *In squeaky voice* ‘Haloo, Doctor, I’m Mr Bugalugs-‘

Doctor: ‘Daily, what day is it?’

Me: ‘Friday.’

Doctor: ‘Great, same as last Friday, so now I’m sectioning you.’ *Picks up the phone*

Me: ‘Oh shit, please, no, I was just trying to get the afternoon off work, I’m so sorr-‘ *Runs out of the room screaming and slams door*

Me: *Runs past reception ladies* ‘Ladies, book me in with the locum next week, he’s onto us!’ *Honks nose*

Reception Ladies: *Honk* *Honk*

[Monday Morning]

Me: *Sighs to self* ‘Can’t wait till Friday.’ *Rests head on desk*

My Boss: *Bursts in door* ‘What the hell have you done?’

Me: ‘Nothing, literally nothi-’

My Boss: ‘You left the new, one-armed recruit stranded at the airport since Friday. You were supposed to arrange travel for him.’

Me: *Grips mouth*

My Boss: ‘…which meant a thousand old people cried when they found out he couldn’t visit the nursing home at the weekend, and twelve children’s lives were destroyed when he couldn’t turn up to their birthday parties too. You’ve destroyed our whole company in a single weekend, Daily. We will never recover from this. ‘

Me: ‘I, em, I, em…’

My Boss: ‘You had one job, Daily Florence. Pack up your stuff and get out immediately.’ *Stomps out and slams door*

[Phone rings]

Me: *Lifts receiver with tears in eyes* ‘Clown Hire-‘ *Sniffle* ‘How may I cheer your day up?’

Reception Ladies: *Whispering* ‘Daily, we are so, so sorry. He made us-‘

Me: *Looks through office window and into my boss’s office across the hall and screams* ‘ARLGH!’

*A one-armed, angry clown, who looks suspiciously like my Doctor, honks his nose and stares back at me through a window with squinted eyes*

Reception Ladies: *Still whispering* ‘It’s over, Daily.’

Me: ‘No, please, no, it can’t be-‘

Reception Ladies: ‘It is. Women everywhere have been cancelling Doctor’s appointments all over the world. Daily-‘

Me: ‘Yes, Ladies?’

Reception Ladies: ‘It’s started. The day has finally arrived…’

Me: ‘FFS.’

Reception Ladies: ‘What shall we do? Give us the word, please. Women everywhere are relying on us. All around the world they’ve been phoning their Doctor’s receptionists and honking at them, really angrily. We’ve been keeping up this shindig for years…’

Me: ‘But why is it down to me?’

Reception Ladies: ‘Because you dropped us all in it. So come up with a plan -now.’

Me: ‘Okay, I can do that’ *Paces floor* ‘Em, em, couldn’t we, just, em, maybe, just tell the women to-‘

Reception Ladies: ‘Daily, there’s no time, we need an answer.’

Me: *Whips mirror out and adjusts facepaint to evil clown face* *Puffs out chest* ‘Hold the phone, ladies. I think I know what I have to do.’ *Stands up, straightens red, curly wig and ties laces on enormous red and blue shoes with yellow stars and waddles angrily out of room*

Me: *Bursts into my boss’s office* *Puts white gloves on and points straight at my Doctor* ‘Doctor, I challenge you to a balloon-duel to the death’ *Blows up two balloons and throws one to Doctor*

Doctor: *Spins around and grabs balloon*

*We both duel it out with two extremely long coloured balloons*

*Epic battle ensues around my boss’s office, paper flying everywhere, confetti raining from the ceiling*

Me: *Dives off the desk, lands on Doctor’s back and gets him in a choke-hold from behind* *Furiously rubs balloon onto Doctor’s wig as we spin in circles so that his curly hair stands on end*

Doctor: *Screaming* ‘Enough, Daily, enough-‘

Me: *Growls* ‘Say you’re sorry.’

Doctor: ‘For what? For bloody what?’

Me: ‘For getting revenge on me and making me lose my job. I know I’ve been annoying you every Friday but I think it’s because I’m so miserable about my job that I couldn’t cope-‘

Doctor: ‘Lose your job? I’m here to help you.’

Me: *Suddenly let’s go of Doctor and taps chin* ‘Please continue.’

Doctor: ‘The ladies on reception told me why you’d been coming into the practice every Friday to see me. You know, ’cause you’re so unhappy here. Why couldn’t you have just talked to me about it?’

Me: ‘It’s a clown thing-‘

Doctor: ‘Anyway, I’ve been reading up. Did you know that the UK has one of the largest pay gaps in Europe and that, on average, women effectively have to work an average of two months free every year to catch up with men. And that’s just based on a bunch of statistics, the actual extent of it could be so much worse.’*

Me: ‘Yeah, I found out all the female clowns here are getting paid less than the men, we do the same job too, it’s so unfair. One of the guy clowns has a clown degree and the boss said that’s why he gets paid more but that’s unfair too. We do just as much work as him and we’re just as good as him at clowning around -degree or no degree.’

Doctor: ‘That’s why I came down here, stress is a big cost for the NHS and sexism in the workplace is one component of that. We usually just hand out treatments for stress rather than address the issue but this time I wanted to see if there was some other way of tackling it, you know, see…’

My Boss: *Mumbles*

Me: *Turns head and spots my boss tied to an office chair with a mouth full of multi-coloured handkerchiefs* ‘Doctor, did you, like, tie up my boss?’

Doctor: ‘Yeah, I tried to talk to him about gender inequality in the workplace and the affect it has on society as a whole but he wouldn’t listen to me so I had to tie him down.’

Me: ‘Well, that’s not very doctorish of you, is it?’

Doctor: ‘I suppose not, but what choice do I have if employers won’t listen?’ ‘Ooh, ooh, I have an idea though. How about we share our salary with our coworkers to find out who’s being underpaid? You know, talk openly about it.

Me: Yeah, great idea. I only found out because I do the book-keeping. I wasn’t sure what to do about it. When I did ask my boss he just brushed me off.’

Doctor: ‘How about, when we look for a new job, that we don’t share our previous job salary too? When we do that we’re literally handing a potential employer, especially a job agency, an invitation to underpay us.

Me: ‘Great idea. You know, the whole time I’ve been stressed and worried about this and didn’t know where to turn or how to fix it, but when you think about it, there is something we can do ourselves to help close the gender pay gap. I should have spoke to the other clowns about it.’

Doctor: ‘Great, and remember there’s plenty of good guys out there, just like me, who are happy to help’

Me: *Rests hands on Doctor’s shoulders* ‘You are so right, I feel so much better, thanks for reaching out Doctor and helping rather than give me pills. Right, shall we untie him?’

*Both nod at each other and spend the next five minutes pulling out tied handkerchiefs from my boss’s mouth*

Me: ‘Jeez Louise, you’d make a great clown, Doctor, look at all these handkerchiefs you fitted in there.’

*Knock at the door*

Me: ‘Who is it?’

*Doctor and me both look at the doorway and see an angry clown with only one arm stood staring at us*

Me: *Pulls final handkerchief out of Boss’s mouth and addresses one-armed clown in doorway* ‘And who might you be?’

My Boss: ‘That’s the real Choo-Choo the clown. More to the point, who the hell is this clown?’ *Points angrily at my Doctor*

Doctor: ‘Oh, sorry, some clown handed me a clown outfit on my way in and I got my arm stuck in one of the sleeves.’ *Pops arm out of sleeve* ‘Ahh, that’s better.’

Me: ‘Em, em-‘

Doctor: *Puts hands on hips and rocks back on heels* ‘Now, Mr Boss Man, your valued employee here, Clown Daily Florence, would like to talk to you about gender inequality in the workplace, amongst other things…Daily…Daily, where are you going?’

Me: *Waddling as fast as my enormous flat feet will carry me out the door and down the corridor* *Shouts* ‘WE SHOULD GO, DOCTOR, RUN’

Doctor: *Waddling behind me with great effort and shouting* ‘CAN’T WAIT TO TELL THE RECEPTIONIST LADIES THE PLAN, IS THAT IT, DAILY?’

Me: ‘OH YEAH, DEFFO, THAT’S IT, DOC.’

Doctor: ‘GOOD THINKING’ *Honk, honk*

*[https://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/home-news/international-womens-day-gender-pay-gap-work-free-men-peers-workers-a8244846.html]


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